Leaving the doctor’s room, I felt terrible. I felt like I had just been dealt the bad luck card.
My mum had arrived that day from Liverpool and was waiting outside with Bambina. How was I going to hide the tears?
Before we left the doctor’s room, the Italian reassured me that we would be fine. Everything would be ok and we would cope. I hate that word: COPE!! Cope is the enemy of control. That’s the problem, this was totally out of my control. It didn’t fit in with our plan and I had lost all control of myself and the situation.
“I haven’t got a kidney infection, Mum” I told her, looking at the floor. “I’m pregnant. 16-20weeks pregnant”.
Her face turned white. She knew. She knew exactly how I was feeling and why. Amidst the shock, she too reassured me that we would be fine. Everything would turn out ok.
The Italian had been a stay at home dad for the past twelve months whilst I went to work. He had found the job hunt really difficult and consequently our purse strings had become increasingly shorter and more and more restricted. It was a difficult time for all of us. Whilst I encouraged and motivated him, he continued keeping his chin up and wishing for the wind of luck to blow in our direction.
Finding out this news, that we now have another baby on the way just sent me into a frenzy of panic. We can’t afford it! How will we manage? We don’t have enough room? Etc etc etc. I felt guilty. I felt like I had let Bambina down.
Bambina us only 15 months old. She’s still a baby herself, she needs me! I felt guilty that I won’t have precious alone time with her whilst she is still so young. What if I don’t love it? Love it as much as Bambina? what if they don’t like each other?
A few weeks ago I had my 37th birthday. Oh God! The Down Syndrome test, did I miss it? What’s the rule with that? How many weeks does one need to be at my age? I had no idea. More panic.
My mum, as always, straightened me out.
“I know this is a shock but you did plan another baby at some point. This just means your plans have been brought forward slightly” she said with her hand on my knee, in her softest mummy-knows-best voice. I listened.
“Can I just point out to you sweetheart, it was only three years ago that you were sobbing at the thought of never having children. Now, both of yours are a blessing. Take this as a gift, a wonderful little present that you can’t open until Christmas. Be grateful. Trust me, everything else will fall into place”.
I knew my mum was right – aren’t they always?! At that moment I looked up to see the Italian knodding in agreement, Bambina was perched on his knee, resting her arm on Grandma’s leg.
I am lucky, I thought. Nothing else matters now. I don’t care if I eat rice for the rest of my life, I have everything I need right here; a husband who loves and supports me in more ways than finances can afford, a beautiful, healthy and bright daughter, an equally beautiful, bright and hopefully healthy baby and the best mum in the whole wide world!
I was so stupid. Hormones! Of course I will love this baby, the timing might not have been my choosing but it couldn’t be more wanted, more needed and more loved.
The Italian and Mum have it spot on… Everything else will work out just fine!
Do you ever let your emotions get the better of you??
Mother Knows Breast #1 (Tea&Biscotti.com)
Mother Knows Breast #2 (Tea&Biscotti.com)
Mother Knows Breast #3 (Tea&Biscotti.com)
Mother Knows Breast #4 (teaandbiscotti.com)