Funny isn’t it how boobs have a life of their own, how they take on various guises. First they don’t exist and then over night WHAM!, there they are, perched like little bee stings ready to swell. If you’re really lucky they’ll develop quite quickly into a nice round, perfectly formed breast. Mine? Not like that at all. I had to put up with the bee sting – for quite some time.
I remember someone telling me my boobs were like fried eggs, flat with a big circle in the middle! That wasnt going to give me a complex was it?! I dreamed of big boobs. I wanted to have to massive melons that spilled over and gave me four boob syndrome! I’d have loved that! I wanted them to bounce when I ran down the stairs – but they never did, they just stayed still.
I don’t know how old I was when I developed a lovely bunch of coconuts but I was well into my twenties. And let me tell you, wherever there was a stair, I ran down it! Correction: I “jumped” down it!
BRAvellous!! I’ve got knockers, bazooka’s, melons! At last I’ve got a cleavage. I used to flat share with a girl who carried her mobile phone under her boob! I kid you not, it was about ten years ago – imagine how big the phone was! Imagine how big her boobs where! Bigger than my head probably! But still, I was envious. I was lucky if I could hold a pencil under mine.
In hindsight I was blessed to have had an average sized pert bosom. I didn’t need to wear a bra but of course I did. The first thing I did when I got home from school and later, even now when I get home the “W” place, was to take my bra off. One strap through one sleeve, the other strap through the other sleeve, clip open the back and pull – BRAvellous, its off!
Thats another thing, the taking off of bra’s. Some men can, some men think they can but a lot of men really really can’t. Stop trying. Give up. Fiddling with a bra strap ruins the moment, dont men understand that? Theyre probably disappointed when it comes off anyway. The scaffolding that plumped them and held them up, perfectly centred, nipples forward, suddenly gave way like a Tsunami and cockaspaniels ears come flapping down to the knees. Men, unless you want a surprise, leave the bra strap alone.
And then there’s breastfeeding. Boobs really are BRAvellous aren’t they?! To be able to produce milk on demand like that is something that I wasnt prepared for. It’s actually shocking to me how the boobs have such an important job, to feed a child! they are no longer an object of desire, for a while at least, but an udder. They are ‘udderly’ BRAvellous!
So my once perfectly rounded and pert lady lumps are now oval-shaped, oblonged, dog ears not that dissimilar to an Amazonian woman.
They are important, BOOBS. They are needed, BOOBS. They are indeed a luxury, BOOBS.
I cannot imagine how it must be one day to find out that you might lose one or both of them. That they might take you with them when they go! I mean, how bloody selfish is that!
Breast Cancer is a wicked, evil disease that lays there like a ticking time bomb. BOOM! there you have it – a tumour. And the boobs that you’ve nurtured and caressed all your life, plumped up, put on show for all to see, suddenly become your enemy. Cut it off damn it!! I don’t want it anymore.. get rid! And we’ve come full circle. When you would actually prefer to be flat chested if only that tumour would sod off! Come back bee sting, all is forgiven!
You see it really is BRAvellous that we can shout about this. That we can raise awareness. That we can donate a bra. I mean, I have no idea how many bra’s I have in my draw that don’t fit and that aren’t appropriate nowadays. I don’t remember the last time I wore a push up or an underwire. These days I’d need a full on reconstructed Madonna-esq pointed cone just to stop the spread from falling out the sides.
I admit it. My melons are confined to the comfort of their M&S maternity hammock and that’s were they will rest until further notice!
In the meantime, I wont be needing this so off it goes to Bra Chain:
To end this little ditty (I said Ditty!) I would like to pay homage to my bee stings – you really have been a joy! We’ve had some ups and some downs (mainly downs these days), we’ve been through great times and some rough times, been admired, been ignored but most of all, been loved. Boobies, you really are my breast friends. You’re flipping BRAvellous actually!
This is probably the nicest my bra’s have looked in ages – all dressed up with eyeshadow and pearls!