Face Ache

14 Mar

My free time these days consists of reading/calling/blackberrying/note making/list making/nail filing and nail painting whilst making my way to and from the place that pays my bills.

On this evening’s journey, I let out an actual laugh much to the aggravation, I’m sure, of my fellow train dwellers.  This was an actual laugh, a slight movement of the voice box followed by an ever so slight high pitched noise.  It was a real laugh, not a “LOL”.  I must say, I don’t know why people use LOL.  They stick it on the end of text messages, and even normal sentences, by way of acknowledging a glimpse of humour.  Meanwhile they are as pan-faced as the day they were born!

Anyway, I digress.  Since having had a baby I’ve noticed that I may have aged a little.  I have more grey hair and I appear to have a few tiny lines around the eyes – I’m blaming it all on severe sleep deprivation but nonetheless, I have become a wee bit addicted to reading the beauty columns in the free newspapers.  I was reading an article about Emu oil.  It’s the next big thing apparently.  What has the world come to? I mean, I’m not all gung-ho outside Boots waving a placard of skinned rabbits but seriously, Emu oil? Does choosing an exotic creature make the act of smothering its bodily excrement all over your face all the more pleasurable.  Do we believe, hand on heart, that Emu can get rid of wrinkles?

You see, this got me thinking about some tried and tested beauty regimes that I have inflicted upon myself over the years.  This is what brought about my little train journey chuckle, my actual laugh with a noise!

When I was a teenager I had a monobrow, not that dissimilar to Frida Khalo. I was about thirteen and I didn’t know a monobrow was uncool.  One day a friend asked me why I had one eyebrow and not two so I relayed this childish cruelty to my mother.  She immediately inflicted such pain upon my face! Tweezers…I wish I was never introduced to tweezers because they are an automatic addiction!  Even now, I’m never out of the mirror checking for regrowth!  There had to be an alternative to tweezers.

I discovered an alternative one evening whilst babysitting at an aunt’s house.  Delving into her beauty cupboard (that was exciting in itself, she had a whole section of shelved wardrobe, mirrored wardrobe, dedicated to lotions and potions!) I came across a tube of cream with strawberries on it.  It looked nice so I gave myself a little application and suitably went to bed.  “Nice” wasn’t the word my aunty used the next day at breakfast..”Jeeeesus Christ love, where are your eyebrows?? Your mother’s going to kill me!”. It was depilatory cream.  I had soaked my eyebrows overnight in depilatory cream.  Oh well, that sorted the monobrow out!

Whilst living for a while in deepest darkest Peru, I was totally hooked on the latest craze of slug gel, Baba de Caracol.  I know, disgusting, right? Apparently the slimy excrement on the garden path after a mammoth rain session does wonders for your crow’s-feet.  I didn’t even have crow’s feet…then.  Still, on it went, every night, before counting llamas sheep in the hope I would wake up with a face like a five-year old.  I even bought a few jars to send to my mother in Blighty.  Imagine what her friends would say when they saw her face a few weeks after slug gel!! My goodness, I would be rich! No more throwing the slimy little sods over next door’s garden fence; scrape it, bottle it, smear it!

The slug gel didn’t work.

An ex-friend once told me that such creams generally don’t work and in her opinion there was only one thing to combat the wrinkles.  Her beauty regime horrified me! sickened me! I mean, I borked at the thought of it let alone to think that someone, my friend, was actually doing it!

Monthly, after cleansing and exfoliating she would apply what is commonly known as ss… ssp…I can’t even say it!  Lets just call it man juice… all over her face!! *cue heaving of the nausea kind*. I kid you not, she absolutely believed that she had no wrinkles because of this.  WOMAN buy a mirror, you HAVE got wrinkles, it doesn’t work! Apparently it is fortified with vitamins and minerals and is great for the skin, but .. it STINKS!! Who in the right mind, except her, would EVER try that as a bona-fide wrinkle remover? On a regular basis??! I hasten to add that she is no longer my friend, not because of her choice of beauty cream but because I eventually realised that she is an absolute fruit cake, barking mad, stark raving lunatic.

On that note, as Emu oil climbs its way up the chart of beauty cream must-haves, I personally will be leaving Emu where he belongs – wedged on Rod Hull’s hand and not smeared all over my face!

We women fall for some rubbish, don’t we?!  If you have tried any unusual items in the name of beauty, tell me about it and leave me a comment.  I would love to hear your story, especially if it’s a funny one!


Posted by on March 14, 2012 in London


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4 responses to “Face Ache

  1. Becky

    March 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm


  2. Tea&Biscotti

    March 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    not like you to have a one word response! “LOL”.. :-I (that little face is me, pan faced)..

  3. Sheila

    March 15, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    I remember using pile cream around the eyes as it was supposed to reduce crows feet!

    • Tea&Biscotti

      March 15, 2012 at 9:33 pm

      and did it? Do I need to invest in some Anusol?


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